Rupture, Repair, Rinse and repeat
*Reader caveat:, If you have experienced any kind of emotional, physical or verbal abuse in a relationship, this article is not intended for that. Couples counseling is not recommended for relationships that have abusive dynamics. Please reach out to your local or the national domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Rupture: A disagreement, argument, conflict. Something that inhibits connection. Happens in all relationships.
Repair: The mending, the coming together, the moving forward while talking about the conflict aspect of conflict resolution. A sign of a healthy, emotionally connected relationship. When this happens, it can make a lasting change in the relationship.
These two aspects ---, the rupture and the repair --- are a part of a cycle that is an imperative part of counseling when working with couples or really any relationship dynamic. Ruptures happen but rarely is there an effective repair system. So often that is why we can see the same cycles, the same behaviors and the same problems popping up. This is also why, when we sweep things under the rug, these same problems tend to surface again. If we don’t attempt repairs, it can cause long lasting ruptures that create deep cracks in relationships that are even harder to repair down the road. The lack of repairs can create distance in relationships, a loss of trust, and a decrease in emotional vulnerability. This can be the difference between an emotionally connected relationship and one that is disconnected.
So, how do we go about an effective rupture repair cycle? And start the process of being in an emotionally connected relationship?
Several things: vulnerability, listening, honesty, trust, apologies, change and sometimes even a little goofiness.
Vulnerability: Being able to admit that you were wrong, or that you engaged in defensiveness, stonewalling or any other barrier behavior. This could also mean that you are vulnerable in sharing how you feel and in opening up about your emotions. Vulnerability is part of effective communication in relationships and invites the other party into how and what you were feeling.
Listening: Actually, listening to what the other person is saying rather than listening to prepare your response. Listening with intention, with respect, and not interrupting the other person.
Honesty: Being transparent, and truthful. This could fall under vulnerability for a lot of people but it can also be it’s own process. When we lie, we erode trust. As the great Brené Brown said, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind”.
Trust: Engaging with the other person and practicing integrity, accountability, reliability and non-judgement. Fostering an environment of trust in a relationship can take time and is imperative in the repair cycle.
Apologies: Being quick to say I’m sorry, recognizing when it’s necessary, and being sincere with our apologies. If we say I’m sorry too late, it can be damaging to the repair attempt.
Change: This can be a change in behavior, a change in tone, a change in approach. Often, with ruptures, something isn’t working and some kind of change is needed. If you say that you are going to work on something, follow through with that and show effort in making this happen.
Goofiness: Part of an effective repair is remembering the friendship level of the relationship and what bonds you both together. Being ‘goofy’ could mean a smile, a joke, a change in tone that is more friendly. There is a level of friendship in any relationship and being goofy can help bring that part out and cause both parties to remember why they are connected.
Ruptures happen, and repairs can too. Repairs are hard, they can be emotionally taxing, but they can also be rewarding and can be learned. If you resonate with something in this article on a personal or relationship level, please reach out to get a free consultation.
